HealthyBea

Finding Yourself

I have never been proud of younger me. I know that’s a bold statement, but it’s true. I wasn’t treated particularly well by my peers, and consequently, the negative characteristics I faced seemed to soak into my mindset and actions. You know – a little bit like taking on the smell of burning wood and coal while constructing the perfect char on a marshmallow for your summer s’more (with a Reese’s cup duh). Some things in life are inevitable and unavoidable.

A Reflection on the Past

Teenage years are hard, and they are even more difficult when you can’t even define confidence, better yet evoke it. I found myself pushed around by those who were louder, more opinionated, and what at that time I believed to be, surer of themselves. I now understand that most of the confidence I saw was actually only present as a facade or mask to their similarly uncertain minds.  

Younger Bea lost her voice before she could find it. She had a few close friends who directed most activities on which they embarked together. Truthfully, I am not sure in how much she truly wanted to partake as her preferences were muffled by the chaos of middle school pressure. She was constantly nervous and never convinced that she was doing the “right” or “good” thing, whatever that means. Bea was a try hard, which I can now identify as my superpower, but then only felt defeating.

This is in no way a dig at the loyal friends I did have. Most stuck with me through thick and thin. It’s simply an analysis of my lack of personal power and assurance. And that is no one else’s burden but my own. However, I am addressing the individuals who were not kind. Those who were too worried about their popularity circle and what was “cool” or “in” at that time to consider how their actions and words, or lack of, impacted others outside of that group.

One point I cannot gloss over is that fact that I did not behave any better than those causing me grief. Instead of rising above them, I translated the discomfort I felt in my own skin to rebellion, dishonesty, and selfishness. I, too was unkind to those surrounding me. I didn’t take care of myself, and worse, I often caused unnecessary friction and worry at home. Like I said, I was lost. And because I hadn’t yet established who I was, I didn’t know where to turn. At one point, I experienced a loud wake up call when I realised that I was going nowhere, supporting no one, and just barely getting through the day. 

Consideration of the Present

You be surprised to hear that I am happy I went through this troubling phase of my life. I am not thrilled that I caused others harm, but at least my mistakes led me to the (slightly more aware, confident, and present) person I am today. Don’t be mistaken, I still mess up all the time. But I have grown to the point where I now know how to address and mend these flares. My shaky past has taught me how to take care of myself and of those I encounter. And isn’t that what we all ultimately thrive to achieve? Internal peace and external generosity?

Now might be the time that you scoff and wonder how I so “easily” managed to reach such lofty goals. How I was able to change so significantly. Well, wait no longer.

Here is How it All Happened:

Step 1

Remember that upsetting wake up call I mentioned? I finally got so sick of the person I was shaping out to be that by sophomore year of University, I had no choice but to deal with it or ruin my life. Can you guess which route I chose? Yep, I decided to shape up. To seriously put in the work to define who I was instead of letting those around me morph my personality into the person they needed me to be. And I started with my health. I whipped my butt into shape so that I could reduce the negative self-talk and build myself up enough to begin thinking of others for what felt like the first time in my life.

Step 2

I next started navigating my passion points and personal goals. I built a daily schedule, a monthly calendar, a yearly framework. I learned how to lift weights, how to eat to fuel my body, mind, and soul, how to enjoy reading, how to make studying more enjoyable, how to follow religion, how to make true friends, how to support my family. I actively failed, but I was on a mission to never ever let myself hit rock bottom again. To never even get close to that darkness I felt for so many years. But more importantly, I was both desperate and determined to find redemption by supporting others in a way that I never could.

Step 3

So, with a rocking body, improved grades, and small daily joys that I uncovered, I knew that I was finally ready to define my morality and let it guide my actions and relationships. I determined what mattered most, what my priorities were, how I wanted to show up, and how I wanted others to feel while around me. I finally found myself so that I could not only be there for others, but wholeheartedly uplift them in any way I could. I defied the person I was and the person I could have continued to be. The greater purpose I established began to not only guide my recoveries, but also prevent me from making certain mistakes in the first place.

Support for You in the Future

I don’t write this post to shine my halo or seek pity. Not at all. Please don’t feel sorry for me and please don’t cheer me on. Instead, I write this to offer guidance to those who may find themselves in ANY part of this journey, good or bad. Hear me when I say that you can change. You can redefine yourself. You can rise from your pitfalls. And you should. Not only because it is the “right” thing to do, but because you deserve to be happy. Life is too hard to drag yourself each day. You should pave the path to be able to jump out of bed (most days), to reveal what brings you pleasure, and to find genuine connections based off of the person that you are, not the person that others think you ought to be.

I know I skimmed through many of the details and tactical action steps I took to accomplish the comfort in myself that I am currently fortunate to have, so please do not hesitate to reach out to me if I can help you on your path. I want everyone to get out of their rut. I want everyone to feel their own version of peace. I have faith in you, so you now must have faith in yourself. You got this ❤

All my love,

Bea