HealthyBea

Find Your People, & Spend Time with Them

I know, I know. This one isn’t revolutionary, but I don’t believe people concentrate enough on finding “their people.” Of course, I encourage everyone to respect, love, and offer time to others. But, I recently learned two incredibly valuable concepts, which I think people should consider: boundaries and passive friendships. Let me explain…

1. Boundaries: 

This one is hard because how does one establish their boundaries? Are you being too strict, too easy, or just right? This reminds me of the indeterminate word ~balance. Honestly? What does that mean? I love the concept, but it can’t be defined unanimously! It’s specific to each person. 

After a few years of my ~less than perfect teens, I made a conscious decision during my junior year of college to say yes to every plan possible and never back out. I needed to act on this for myself to kick-start my life again. It was what I needed at the moment. And it helped! It allowed me to establish, build, and maintain amazing friendships and experience incredible things socially, spiritually, and professionally. 

However, 6 years later, I quit my job, moved to the UK, and started a Master’s program. In short, I needed to make some changes. I quickly left stability, familiarity, and comfort and I needed to establish these basic human functions in a different country – without any friends or income. Of course making friends and saying yes to new adventures was incredibly important, but it wasn’t my priority. I made this decision to learn, grow professionally, and find my place in London. No one was going to stop me or get in my way. 

Therefore, I unintentionally established my boundaries right away. For better or worse, I am sure all of my classmates and friends can attest…no lunch breaks, no late nights drinking on the weekend, no excessive spending, no workouts missed, limited weeknight plans. I promise I am not that strict now, but for the time, I needed to be. I was scared and determined. This was the only way I knew how to find my personal success. 

My peers may argue that I was too intense and I should have loosened up my boundaries a bit. And maybe they’d be correct! Who really knows? Remember, there really is no universal definition. We all have different motivations, triggers, priorities, and values, which shape our boundaries. 

Can you tell I am passionate about boundaries? I am sorry that I cannot tell you how to establish your own, but remember that you do need to consider them in some way. And find solace in knowing that you’re allowed to get it wrong and you’re allowed to change them given different life stages. 

My advice to you, dear reader, is think about your end goals and how your daily actions fuel them. Do you thrive with weeknight plans because you know you need to be hyper-productive during the day to make it work? Go for it! Think you would feel more comfortable going out for a Sunday afternoon coffee (and cake) versus a Saturday night of drinking because you have an early run in preparation for a race? Honour that! Ultimately, I want you to stay true to what you need and feel confident communicating that with others. If your friends are loyal, they will understand. If they are not, perhaps reconsider your relationships. You deserve better. 

2. Passive Friendships: 

Life has taught me that it’s okay to have friendships that support you differently. You’re allowed to have a workout-only friend, a travel buddy, fellow foodie, gamer, artist, church goer, etc. You’re allowed to have friends you only enjoy seeing in doses. Friends to which you can’t confide everything. It’s okay to let friendships fade, or to only spend time with them when they need you. We are human beings. We associate with people in different ways because we all have varying needs and interests. Ultimately, though, we all seek connection of some sort.   

These past few years have demonstrated this to me so clearly. Not only did I realise that I didn’t need to maintain certain relationships back at home (Ohio and NYC) that felt too forced, but I also shouldn’t feel the need to offer my time and energy to new friends in England who didn’t prove to respect me sufficiently. Because I believe in offering everyone my attention, I hereby introduce this idea of passive friendships. Let me give you one example. 

I have a newer friend who I quickly realised had a difficult childhood, and needed to exert her dominance, worth, and intelligence by belittling others. I think you can guess where this is going? Yep, I was a victim (okay a little dramatic, but you get the point). Too Catholic? Too nice? Too innocent? Whatever it was, I let this person and honestly continue to do so because I can see that this individual needs support. Here is where I consider passive friendships valuable. I am here to respond and listen virtually, but I am no longer open to sharing my time and emotion with this person. 

A passive friendship doesn’t need to fall under this bucket, and I don’t necessarily encourage it. Some people really do need to be let go, but does it hurt you to remember the traits you do enjoy about people and use those memories to offer your support? Oftentimes, no. Perhaps your passive friendship is a good friend you had for years, but only see and speak to once every year when they are in town. Still a friend, and still valuable, just not your priority. Again, friends come in all shapes and sizes, so it’s your job to decide how you want to interact with each of them. 

To conclude, I’d like to leave you with a few questions I consider when deciding who gets a prime spot in my life. And you should, too. Because after all, we’re all worthy. 

Friendship Questions to Consider: 

• 1. Does this person serve me?
• 2. Does this person uplift me? 
• 3. Does this person encourage me to excel and grow as a human?
• 4. Does this person energise me? 
• 5. Does this person respect me?
• 6. Does this person challenge me?
• 7. Do I enjoy my time with this person?

To this end, I leave you with an inspirational photo of some of my best friends – my sisters! Hopefully they don’t mind me publicly posting 😉

Much love,

Bea